then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I don't deserve a penis
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
