I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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