well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
