I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
