I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
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I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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