Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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