You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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