I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
