I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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