so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
