if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
