i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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