You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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