he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
