you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
