my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
