Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
