I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
