The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
