will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
