I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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