dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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