I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
