Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
