So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
