Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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I would fuck him just for his dog
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh god it's open bar.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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