When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
nutella sex= disaster
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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