I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
