I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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