My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
