I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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