Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
