hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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