I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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