i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You took a bar mat shot.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
