I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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