fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
