if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
