Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
