How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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