The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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