i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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