Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
