Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
