when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
