Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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