Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
barbara walters just said penis...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
