WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
