if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
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Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
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I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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