she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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