I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
