I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
where are my eyebrows?
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