he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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