I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
