I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
