Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
